The Limp Shakers Die Younger

Ick. You know that feeling when you shake someone's hand and it just kind of goes limp. What's that all about? Squeeze a little would ya limpy. I often let my mind wander a bit. Limp handshake makes my perverse mind leap into superficial judgements about someone within seconds. You know what I'm talking about. I can't say that I would be compelled to linger for conversation post limp. We all jump to conclusions about the limpy ones don't we even if we aren't truly conscious of these judgements.

I've always wondered what conclusions can be drawn about people who can't grip despite the commonly held belief that a firm handshake is an essential life skill.

When I was trolling the Globe and Mail Health and Fitness section tonight I was gleeful. Finally, someone studied this for me and saved me the trouble!

Study: A firm handshake means longer life

A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers.

Scientists at the Medical Research Council found that elderly people who could still give a firm handshake and walk at a brisk pace were likely to outlive their slower peers.

They found simple measures of physical capability like shaking hands, walking, getting up from a chair and balancing on one leg were related to life span, even after accounting for age, sex and body size.

The death rate over the period of the studies for people with weak handshakes was 67 per cent higher than for people with a firm grip.

Now I will go further with these findings to create my own hypothesis about the limp shakers.

1) People who grip when they shake are more likely to be fighters. When life could beat them down, they have the gumption to keep pushing ahead. Perhaps they just aren't as timid in life overall.

2) Limp shakers don't have a fire alive inside them or at least their fire isn't ablaze to the same extent. Not that this makes them bad people. It just means that they might not possess a certain effervescence that makes them meet people with assertiveness and confidence.

3) Firm grip folks might possess a different gene that makes them want to express their strength in a hand shake. Laws of the jungle. Don't mess with me might be subtly communicated in a split second hand shake. The limp folks might be more likely to fall into a beta category.

4) Last but not least, have you ever noticed that limp hand shakers don't generally make direct eye contact yet firm shakers do? Could it be a fear of intimacy, the non-grip no eye contact thing?

That's that for my sophisticated analysis of the limp shakers and these most recent findings. One question though...should we be worried for the cultures that don't shake hands at all? What does all this mean for them? Will introducing the shaking of hands improve their overall mortality rates?